embrace doubt

Last week I heard Mike Williams say,

“Embracing doubt is more powerful than embracing belief. The freedom to doubt is the power to believe.”

About four years back I came to a place of letting go of most of my beliefs about God and religion. Because of the devastating nature of the circumstances I faced at the time, doubt just happened. It wasn‘t really a decision. I had no energy to consciously deal with the condition of my spirituality at the time.

Eventually the time came when I was ready to reconnect with God. Certainly I had never been disconnected but my perceptions were that I was far from God and He from me. My entire “belief system” had to be reconfigured. I gave myself the freedom to doubt many concepts that I had previously accepted as truths.

Mike also said,

“If we don’t embrace our doubts, we don’t truly believe anything. Walk into the arena of unbelief and embrace it.”

This is what I’ve done in the last two years... questioning anything and everything. I’ve been willing to embrace unbelief and allow myself to explore what it is that God has done and what it is that I really believe, separate from the threat of hell. The reason I accepted Christ as a teenager was to escape hell. I did not want to be separated from my friends for eternity.

Any relationship established under threat is not founded on love but fear. My foundational beliefs were based in fear. On top of that I attended churches that mixed law and grace for my entire Christian life. Because grace is nullified by the keeping of one law, I had only a concept of grace and love. Understanding the Gospel message, perhaps for the first time, has brought incredible freedom and peace to me.

for a new beginning

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue

Behavior and The Gospel

The evangelical church today is very concerned with behavior. The behavior of their children, themselves, and mostly everyone else, especially homosexuals. (Yes, I saw the Oprah interview with Ted Haggard… fascinating!!)

Our human behavior can be traced to the fact that we are human and our environment is filled with other humans. The connection between our humanity and God is not something we can fix. It’s up to Him. And He did something about it, don’t worry. He perfected us at the Cross. Are we then perfect? Yes, as far as our spiritual being is concerned we are perfect. I don't believe our humanity separates us from Him. Our mindsets may separate us more than anything. The teachings of religion separate us by telling us our humanity should be thus and so. So we tell each other it should be thus and so. We then make judgments upon judgments that cause people to hide their humanity (or not) and personal worth is lost. This is why we need the Gospel.

The Gospel, being mysterious and working through a power called love, will produce whatever salvation our soul requires. How love works is difficult to explain. If behaviors need changing, I think love can do that. This is how it has worked in me and how I've seen it work in those close to me. When we truly recognize that we are hurting ourselves or others through our actions, we can work at changing our behavior. If our behavior is not hurting anyone, what's the problem? God's not offended or shocked.

Scripture says that He would be "satisfied when He sees the suffering" of the sacrifice.

"He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities." Isaiah 53:11

God's not angry. He's not judging anymore. He's perfected us through Jesus. This is what the Gospel is... the good news. That's why Jesus told the disciples to "Go". This "good news" brings a salvation that produces a freedom which is inexplicable. Just don't go throwing in requirements to maintain it (church attendance, bible reading, etc.) The freedom then quickly fades. That has been my experience.

Let Your Heart Win

"Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts." II Corinthians 3:3

No Such Thing

Here’s another song. This one is by John Mayer called No Such Thing. Here's the video. This song speaks to my finding out that much of Christianity teaches Law and Grace in the same breathe, thus making Grace of no effect (Romans 11:6). I know John Mayer didn’t mean it this way, but I put my own spin on most songs anyway. Isn’t that what they’re for? Grace is the most amazing discovery I’ve made in my life. If running through the halls of the church "screaming" the message of Grace in order to help free others, I might do it. It won't work that way though. Humans make it more difficult than that.

Welcome to the real world, she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits and maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

gossip kills

Last week I attended a gathering of some women whom I have known for quite a number of years. The common denominator that brought us together was the fact that each of us at some point in the past had taken on the task of educating our children at home. We knew each other from that venue. It was a get-together at one of the lady’s homes basically set up so she could introduce and sell a product to earn extra income for her family.

After arriving we mingled and showed pictures of our families. We caught up on our lives and those of our children, where they were, what they were doing, and that sort of thing. During the course of conversation around a table set with food, we started talking about some of those we knew who were not present. Understandably we wanted to know how different ones were doing now.

It didn’t take long before someone mentioned a mom who had changed her life and the way she looked. This person now had an office job and was wearing clothing that was totally different from what she had previously worn. Instead of the high collar, no skin showing person, she now was wearing fashionable clothes, looking “very good”, and drawing the extra attention of men in the office in which she was working.

Even though I made a comment something to the effect like "good for her", trying to stand in for her defense I suppose, I was bothered by the use of innuendo and insinuation that the teller used when speaking of this woman. It was clearly gossip. What business was it of any of us how this woman now dressed much less know that men were noticing her at work? I doubt if she was a personal friend of anyone in the room and yet several present thought talking about her in this manner was okay.

There was a time not too long ago I found out that my family was being talked about. It caused hurt, anxiety, anger, and suspicion just to mention a few emotions created by this injustice of gossip. The source of the gossip came from someone inside our church, the only place such knowledge existed. This was one reason for us leaving the church meeting place, though not the only one. The mental and emotional distress I experienced when going to “church” was very difficult to deal with. The oppressive invisible force always present, I had no resources at the time to fight it. If that was even something that could be done, I don't know. When we left, I suppose you could say the gossips won.

I think that gossip is typical of some religious people. It seems that it is a product of judgment. Judgment is that which is passed by the religious ones against those who fall from the Christian standard of acceptability. Why is gossip so prevalent in the religious church setting? Could belief in keeping the Law have anything to do with this?

If someone lives under the Law, they experience guilt and shame on a regular basis. When a Law person sees someone stumble and fall, their own sense of guilt and shame causes them to feel the need to expose the other (the sinner). They need to make what the other person did seem much worse than anything they may have ever done or thought of doing, thus alleviating their own feelings of guilt or shame.

When I was a child I was constantly chided and made to feel worthless by my alcoholic father. I think it was his way of alleviating his own feelings of worthlessness. This somehow makes twisted sense to me.

Judgment was the default in my life before I became aware of God’s grace. It wasn’t until I realized I desperately needed God’s grace that I became a recipient of it. How could I receive something until I was aware I even needed it. My admission of failure and weakness caused me to begin to see all humans as equally in need. All of mankind is on equal footing when it comes to God. He knows us. We don’t know Him.

Gossip kills. It kills hearts and minds. It kills relationships. It kills like the Law kills. Grace is the soil from which love grows. We all need more realization of our desperate need for God and less self sufficient and self righteous attitudes. The two definitely do not mix.

Seeing all as equally needy will create compassion and camaraderie toward others, not judgment and criticism.

Mummification - Part 2

You may want to read Part 1 first...

These verses tell it best from Galatians 3, starting in verse 10... “For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse; for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who does not continue in all things which are written in the book of the law, to do them.” 11 But that no one is justified by the law in the sight of God is evident, for “the just shall live by faith.” 12 Yet the law is not of faith, but “the man who does them shall live by them.” 13 Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”), 14 that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.”

I had fallen under a curse because I believed I had to “keep the law” of requirements that God had given to Moses. Did I think I was meant to keep all of them? No, that would be silly. My religion taught me that just some of them needed to be kept. This went against scripture however. “The man who does them shall live by them.“ If I was going to live by some of the Law then I was going to have to keep all of the Law according to Deuteronomy 17:19: “…that he may learn to fear the LORD his God and be careful to observe all the words of this law and these statutes…” (my emphasis). And if I didn’t keep them all, I could condemn myself by reading James 2:10... “For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.” I put myself under the curse without even knowing it.

How was I to live my life then? There had to be a solution to this seeming setup from God. He told me that I was to live according to the Law and then I was almost destroyed in trying to do it. Did He really tell me to live according to the Law?

After a search and many months later, I came to the understand that Jesus had finished the law and all its requirements at Calvary. This understanding began to transform me from the inside out. It was like a light went on inside. Jesus had taken the curse for me so that the blessing of Abraham might come through Christ. The same righteousness that Abraham received from God has been given to me through Christ. Right standing with God has been accomplished. It's finished. Not by me, but by Christ. And not just for me, but for all mankind. This is the Gospel message that people need to hear.

God is not looking for my obedience any longer. He knows my weak humanity. He understood from the beginning that man would never be able to make himself right before a holy God by keeping commandments. Because of God’s plan of redemption, He now sees me perfect in Christ. And so it is with anyone else who breathes air. When we recognize that Jesus did it all, we begin to walk by faith and not by sight. We begin to live a saved life.

I now live my life by faith not by laws. Living by laws cursed me, pushing my heart and mind into an unhealthy state. A walk of faith cannot be mixed with laws. Laws bring death. Preachers of the Law are reenacting the ancient Egyptian practice of mummification!

“[It is He] Who has qualified us [making us to be fit and worthy and sufficient] as ministers and dispensers of a new covenant [of salvation through Christ], not [ministers] of the letter (of legally written code) but of the Spirit; for the code [of the Law] kills, but the [Holy] Spirit makes alive.” (II Corinth. 3:6 Amplified)

The clincher is this. I'm no longer obligated to behave a certain way in order to please God. There's nothing I can do to displease Him. I'm dead. Why would I want to return to cause and effect life? It's a lose lose situation. I won't do it because...

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain." Galatians 2:20-21 (KJV)

Mummification - Part 1

I’m going to make an attempt to describe what happened to me emotionally and mentally over the past 30+ years. I used the word “mummify” in a conversation with my husband recently. It seemed to identify so succinctly what religion had produced in my life.

I used to believe that God was displeased with me whenever my behavior fell below an unseen line of acceptability. In the same manner I thought that God was pleased when I measured up to His standards put forth in the Bible. I would feel guilty or ashamed when I failed. Conversely, I would feel pretty good about myself when I succeeded. Not only did God have these standards for me to keep but I also had to keep a posture with the church people that indicated I had my act together. I had to act right for God and them too.

This created a false me. It created responses that were not true to my heart. I felt condemned at times and didn’t think highly of my ability to carry through on some of the behavioral requirements for a good Christian. When I did achieve it caused a “good for me” attitude, which also was not my true self. Over time, layer upon layer of fakery smothered my soul.

This is much like what happens to a mummy. The mummification process in ancient Egypt was the way a deceased person’s body was embalmed and wrapped. The abdomen cavity was emptied and dried. The organs, which had been removed, were also dried and put back into the body. Even the cloths used in the drying process were put inside to make the body look like its normal proportions. The outside was prepared with oils to keep the skin elastic. A final application of good smelling oil was made just prior to wrapping.

The wrapping process began with the head and neck. Then the fingers, toes, arms, and legs were wrapped. Between each layer trinkets or charms were placed to protect the dead person from evil spells or actions. A priest read spells out loud while the body was being wrapped. These spells were to ward off evil spirits and to help the deceased pass to the afterlife.

When the wrapping was complete, the body was placed inside a coffin and that coffin inside another coffin. The ancient Egyptians believed that the deceased must then pass through the underworld on its way to the afterlife. There his heart was to be judged by his good deeds on earth. If his heart was found to be pure he would live for all eternity in the beautiful “Field of Reeds”.

After years of guilt, shame, fear, and false security, I lost my ability to think and feel in healthy ways. I lived my life thinking that my feelings were not important. My opinions about how things were to be done also were not important. Emotionally and mentally I shrunk. My strength of mind and heart diminished.

It seemed that God had checked out of the process also. This happened gradually. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and thought that God had disappeared. I simply was not aware of what had happened to me over time. I knew that I wasn’t happy and that my life was empty. Any evidence of spiritual fruit was nonexistent. At least that was my perception. I had unknowingly declared fruit bankruptcy and stopped trying to please God. About this same time I got slammed into a wall.

This “wall” incident was the end of the road to my Law keeping ways. Why do I say Law keeping? I thought my behavior mattered to God. I thought that he would not and could not accept me unless I acted in the right, good Christian way. This meant being filled with the Spirit and having all the right fruit flowing out of me. I believed in cause and effect religion. If I didn’t perform properly, I was doomed. If I performed right, I’d be blessed and problems would be avoided in life. Obviously this did not work. The wall proved it.

My life was kick started into survival mode. It was the beginning of me recovering my soul. I was right where I needed to be... empty and finished with my ways.

Read Part 2…

Love and Acceptance

All of mankind possesses an innate need to be loved and accepted by God. The garden in Genesis is where this was first experienced and it was there that it was severed. Adam, Eve, snake, tree… yeah, that. Mankind has been striving ever since to find ways to get back to God. The methods of reconnection seem innumerable. Man doesn’t even know most of the time that that is what he‘s trying to do.

God is the only one who can truly meet this need for love and acceptance. When we were children our parents became the source for the meeting of these needs. Many parents are great at loving their children. Most are not. Thus we develop methods that are meant to make us feel loved and accepted. I’ve heard these methods described as survival strategies. Many times these strategies don’t work and we realize they will never work, so we convince ourselves that we don‘t even have the need and we say things to ourselves like, “I don‘t need to feel loved”, “I don’t need anyone else”, “Since God seems to not care, why should I?”. We become survivors in our own minds. We internally declare self-sufficiency. What we are really doing is shutting ourselves off from life… the life that God intends for us.

Over the years my own techniques for survival have proven themselves a failure. Continuing these strategies into adulthood after salvation almost destroyed me. One of these strategies was to hide emotionally. I wouldn't show my true feelings. This was developed from a combination of learned survival strategies as a child and a belief that Christians aren’t supposed to show that they have problems. Religion taught me I needed to perform properly to be loved and accepted by the Christians around me. When my life fell apart three years ago, I failed to understand what was happening in all the grief I was experiencing. Faith broke down.

Previous to disaster, I was half-living, half-dying. I was not honest with myself, with those around me, or with God. This dishonesty was blasted away, however, and I was forced to confront the person hiding inside me. I was forced to be honest with myself, God, and those I loved. The beliefs I held concerning God were obliterated. I am thankful for that. I started on a journey of restoration that has been quite unpleasant at times. It has been and still is to some degree the ultimate “desert” experience. It's been amazing. Allow me to digress for a bit.

When I became a Christian at the age of 17, I accepted Christ by faith and was saved by His grace. In Ephesians 2:8,9 Paul wrote, “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” I knew I had become a new creature II Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” I not only felt new inside, I acted new outside.

Even though my salvation didn’t come by my own works, it didn’t take long before I began working to grow my new life in Christ. It was about then that the shine wore off. I had begun by grace and subtly slipped into thinking that I needed to maintain the relationship with Him by doing things that made Him seem (feel) close to me. I had no idea that I was doing “works” by trying to gain my sanctification (moving towards perfection). I was told by religion to do a number of things in order to work out my salvation, such as attend church, read my Bible, pray, witness to others, love others, etc. I wasn’t very good at doing most of these things. Even though I rarely missed a Sunday meeting time, I did not read my Bible regularly or perform any number of other things that I was supposed to do. I felt I wasn’t a very good Christian. I knew I was saved but I didn't seem to measure up.

After years and years of trying I still felt mediocre in my performance, and also in my relationship with God. It did not feel like He was very close to me. I couldn’t say that I felt love for Him. I tried not to think about it too much. Who knows where this could lead a person, right? Questioning and all that. I spent years in this pattern… many years… doing for God but never really feeling loved and accepted. Religion (or perhaps legalism) taught me that if I obeyed the rules I would please Him and everything would be alright in the end. Besides I didn’t esteem myself too important a person. I went along to get along.

It had to all break down eventually don‘t you think. I became lukewarm in my relationship with God. I did just enough to get by, all the time with no “victory” in life. The “abundant life” was not happening in me and quite frankly I saw very little of it in others around me. This happened over the course of somewhere between 10-15 years.

The process of restoration was set in motion over three years ago. One of the first things God showed me was that He wanted to show His love to me. This was a huge step for me. I didn’t know His love. Gradually He began showing me, through writers of books and the internet, how it is that He loves. A book entitled He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen helped me a lot. It was simple and to the point. It took me back to my early foundations in Christ and slowly my spiritual house was being built up again. But it wasn’t the same house. It couldn’t be the same house. I didn’t want the same house.

Father began showing me that He was not who I thought He was. He showed me that He wasn't religious or a legalist. I had never thought in my mind that He was religious or a legalist but the life I was living proved otherwise. My self imposed obligation system made Him into a legalist. In the Old Testament, God knew that the Israelites wouldn’t be able to obey all the Law. His purpose in the law was for His people to turn to Him in their failure and for them to realize they would never fulfill the law. They could never work their way to God and earn His love and acceptance. I was attempting to do the same thing. It took two of the three years in the restoration process to get me to this point… the end of myself. So… I gave up. I stopped trying. I stopped trying to protect myself from hurt. Experience proved to me that all my efforts couldn’t keep me safe regardless of my actions.

What did I miss the first time around? I believe, as Christians, we are meant to allow God to perfect us. It’s a process. It’s referred to as “working out our salvation“. Philippians 2:12-13 says, “…work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” Notice that God is the one doing the willing and the working in us for His good pleasure. We don’t do it ourselves. We don’t know how to. God does it in us. This is a gift just as salvation is a gift. We allow the process and cooperate with Father in it. If we try to do it in our own strength, to perfect ourselves, we will fail. This is what I tried to do. I thought it was up to me.

How does it work? Romans 6:10,11 says, “For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus." I Corinthians 15:31 says, “…I die daily.“ Galatians 2:20 is the verse that opened my understanding more than any other verse, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” My old nature is dead. Not my body, not my flesh. The “old man of sin” is dead. I am a brand new person. I do live a life in the flesh, but I live it by the faith of Jesus. My body was not renewed. That is where sanctification comes in.

There are changes that Father wants to work in me. My job is to simply live by faith believing that He will do it. Philippians 1:6 says, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." He that started the work, perfects and finishes the work. Faith is trusting. Trusting comes from loving. Loving comes from Father. John 13:34 states, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another." It is His love in me that loves others. I don't have agape love outside of Him.

Survival strategies are being replaced by faith. I don’t need them. Because my body has not been renewed yet, there remains flesh patterns in my physical brain and my physical body. Trusting Him to fix me is the key. Believing that He will do what He says takes all the pressure off of me. I’m free to be the person He created me to be. Living life through Him is so totally liberating. Father designs us distinct from all others and desires to live His life through us as His original creation.

I know that Father loves me. He accepts me. I sense His nearness. I’m learning to recognize the still small voice in this relationship with me that He has so graciously begun again.

Expectation vs Expectancy

Religion produces expectation
Relationship produces expectancy

Years of my life were spent in a religious system that taught me to expect certain results from God according to my behavior. It was never said in a way that made me think I was manipulating God, but that is what resulted. I never thought "hmmm, I'm going to manipulate God today to get such and such". If it was that obvious I'd have seen it. It was much more subtle.

In my heart and mind, performance created acceptance from God. I walked believing that my actions made me right with God. What I did in the institutional church made me acceptable to God and His people. Well, maybe it was true regarding His people, but it is not so with God.

Ephesians 1:6 says... “to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.” He freely has bestowed grace on us and accepts us "in the beloved" because we are in Christ, not because of any works we produce.

By thinking that I needed to do things to be accepted, I felt obligated to perform. This created a false security in my relationship with God. Because I seemingly did all the right things (such as attended church, raised my children in church, did tasks in church in order to "do my part", and did not cause waves by openly disagreeing with how church happens, etc).... I followed the rules.

The expectation that I was somehow "protected" from bad things happening to me or my family proved to be a false belief system which collapsed in on top of me. When my marriage became threatened by forces I could not control, my life disintegrated before my eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen to people who were sincerely serving God. To say I was disillusioned at that point would be an understatement.

False beliefs do not produce intimacy with God. Jesus said He was The Truth. Believing lies about God produced in me a complacency that grew over years. It did the same in my husband. When we crashed and burned, we were set on a course by God that was meant for us to recover His heart and love. A living relationship with Him.

I’m now beginning to learn to live in expectancy. What new truth does He have for me? What new understanding does He have for me to know He’s working inside of me, that He’s renewing my mind daily and teaching me that His Way far exceeds my way.

Freedom in the Spirit has never been more real. Freedom to be who He made me to be. If He lives inside me, which I believe He does, then He is able to live His life through me. That creates expectancy. The future is not regulated and dictated. I believe He wants me to live in His faith and move forward. Releasing my expectations of how life should be has freed me to live. Every day is new.

Alive Again to God

Yesterday my husband and I went to a gathering of believers here in town. I’ve never been to this gathering before. It was like a beehive when we arrived. After walking around for a short while we figured out where the adults were supposed to be. After everything was said and done, I felt like I had witnessed a motivational talk on how to act as a Christian.

This really was no different than all the other gatherings we’ve visited in the past year. The liturgy was consistent. The order goes something like this: 1) pray for God to come and be a part of the service; 2) stand; 3) sing; 4) sit; 5) give your money to God (so the bills that make the building work can be paid); 6) listen to a motivational talk which tells you how to behave as a Christian; 7) stand; 8) pray in closing and ask God to grow the message into our hearts; 9) leave the building and find your car.

For years I went through this routine believing that I was doing God’s will. Yet I could never be sure because the system I submitted myself to was continually between God and me. It became a substitute to a personal, living relationship with my Father. I didn’t know it at the time. If I had known it, my life may have taken a different turn than the one it did. Thus after many years of following this pattern, my first love grew cold. Disconnected from God, I remember thinking a number of times in recent years before the crisis, “Is this all there is to serving God?”.

After hearing a message like we heard yesterday, in previous years, I would have felt guilty for thinking that I couldn’t possibly fulfill what the preacher was saying, no matter what the subject matter. I would try. At least for a while. Eventually I would give up and relent to unbelief. Unbelief is so destructive. It robs of all that Father has for us to be and do, in that order.

Now I’m beginning to see what went wrong. My trying is not what God wants. He wants me to rest. Abiding in Him must be the first thing. Loving Him and having a consciousness of Him inside me is what’s different now. I truly feel alive in Him again, as from the dead. Only God knows what's ahead for us.