no fear

for a new beginning

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue

Following Truth to Freedom

This morning I noticed that Darin Hufford had a new post on his blog. It talks of friendship and how it works in the church (small "c"). When our family left organized religion several years ago, I was caught off-guard when people who I thought were friends in that particular church made no effort to contact us except for one or two who then made no follow-up calls. I understand a little better now why and how this happens. Darin's post confirms what I had reconciled in my heart to be true about leaving. There is no condemnation in my heart for the church people we left because it's a boat that I have floated in most of my life. You can read his post here.

Break the Rules

Jim Palmer of Divine Nobodies posted at his blog several days ago a list of rules that he broke when he was in religion which he now is glad he broke. A few stood out to me that I'd like to comment on.

"Assume that everything you’ve been told or currently know is all there is to truth and anything refuting it must be wrong. In other words, you’ve arrived with virtually nothing left to learn except for trying harder with what you already know."

I believed this. It produced a life that became stale, mundane, and without vitality. Deep down inside I felt that what I had built regarding "belief" didn't work. The "abundant life" that was supposedly afforded to the believer was nowhere to be found. What I had been told over the course of many years turned out to be built on false assumptions. Anyone believing they have learned it all or have come close to that height is certainly one of the more self-righteous persons around. That was me. The extent of my knowledge I see today as small. There is so much more that I don’t understand, that I don‘t get. This fact is liberating.

"If you keep applying the same formula or beliefs and it doesn’t produce the result it promised, assume the problem is you."

I certainly believed that I was the problem. Weekly berating sessions by professional clergy wore me out. I felt so useless to God and believed I would never make the grade so I gave up trying. (My husband has the same testimony.) I became an unbeliever. It affected every part of my life. I was a regular attendee but I wasn't a believer. I couldn't relate to what the people up front were talking about. They were talking about something that didn‘t seem real to me. And I blamed myself for this failure to believe. I was somehow deficient. There was no option either. If I didn’t fall into the parameters presented, there had to be something wrong with me. I reject this today!

"Just accept at the outset that your humanity is your enemy."

This was easy. The do’s and don’ts of the elite in charge made it clear that if my life was not transforming into a more peaceful and righteous life, it was me (my flesh and humanity) that must be getting in the way. I reject this today!

"Equate God’s blessing with improved circumstances or existing in a constant state of 'good feelings'."

Again this one flows right out of the last one. Emotions of anger, anxiety, and fear, to name just a few, were not acceptable in my belief system. These would be labeled with a “lack of faith” thus putting the feeler into a lesser position with God. The polarity then would be that those who never displayed anger, anxiety, or fear, not to anyone from the church at least, were more righteous and better Christians all around. This resulted in me stuffing my feelings and becoming a good fake. I reject this today!

"Don’t ever let yourself fully give into love and freedom."

This one is an accumulation of all the others in my opinion. This one kept me from experiencing life with my God, my husband, and my family in the ways that the creation is designed to experience life here on planet earth. Love and freedom are what God is all about.

So what is different now? Well, the difference between then and now is revelation. I know this word can have negative connotations. I don’t mean it that way. It’s simple really. I see and believe now that Jesus and Father agreed to make redemption available to me before I had any say in the matter.

It never was about our doing good enough or being good enough to receive his gift of salvation. And there is nothing we can do to keep it. We never were and never will be good enough for God in and of ourselves. He made us righteous through Jesus. This is grace. I walk daily now believing that what I do or say will not distance me from Father. This is the gospel, the good news of Christ.

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes...” Romans 1:16 NKJV

Let Your Heart Win

"Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts." II Corinthians 3:3

No Such Thing

Here’s another song. This one is by John Mayer called No Such Thing. Here's the video. This song speaks to my finding out that much of Christianity teaches Law and Grace in the same breathe, thus making Grace of no effect (Romans 11:6). I know John Mayer didn’t mean it this way, but I put my own spin on most songs anyway. Isn’t that what they’re for? Grace is the most amazing discovery I’ve made in my life. If running through the halls of the church "screaming" the message of Grace in order to help free others, I might do it. It won't work that way though. Humans make it more difficult than that.

Welcome to the real world, she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits and maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

Music Again

I’m enjoying music again… all different kinds. Some that I would have classified as “secular” a few years ago have lyrics that speak to life. With “judging” taking on new meaning, I’ve transitioned and now enjoy a number of different groups. Our sons have introduced their dear old parents to some of their music . We both enjoy the new input. Here’s one from Five For Fighting that I play loud driving around in the car:

The Riddle

There was a man back in '95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him

Wait, what's the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me

He said,

Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see


Then he said,

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

Picked up my kid from school today

Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me


He said,

Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me

And Hey Dad
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

I said,

Son for all I've told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world...
Who am I?

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

It’s about living and loving life… freely. It’s about God creating each of us… our likeness reflecting Him. With gratitude… have a great Thanksgiving Day.

Mummification - Part 2

You may want to read Part 1 first...

These verses tell it best from Galatians 3, starting in verse 10... “For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse; for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who does not continue in all things which are written in the book of the law, to do them.” 11 But that no one is justified by the law in the sight of God is evident, for “the just shall live by faith.” 12 Yet the law is not of faith, but “the man who does them shall live by them.” 13 Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”), 14 that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.”

I had fallen under a curse because I believed I had to “keep the law” of requirements that God had given to Moses. Did I think I was meant to keep all of them? No, that would be silly. My religion taught me that just some of them needed to be kept. This went against scripture however. “The man who does them shall live by them.“ If I was going to live by some of the Law then I was going to have to keep all of the Law according to Deuteronomy 17:19: “…that he may learn to fear the LORD his God and be careful to observe all the words of this law and these statutes…” (my emphasis). And if I didn’t keep them all, I could condemn myself by reading James 2:10... “For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.” I put myself under the curse without even knowing it.

How was I to live my life then? There had to be a solution to this seeming setup from God. He told me that I was to live according to the Law and then I was almost destroyed in trying to do it. Did He really tell me to live according to the Law?

After a search and many months later, I came to the understand that Jesus had finished the law and all its requirements at Calvary. This understanding began to transform me from the inside out. It was like a light went on inside. Jesus had taken the curse for me so that the blessing of Abraham might come through Christ. The same righteousness that Abraham received from God has been given to me through Christ. Right standing with God has been accomplished. It's finished. Not by me, but by Christ. And not just for me, but for all mankind. This is the Gospel message that people need to hear.

God is not looking for my obedience any longer. He knows my weak humanity. He understood from the beginning that man would never be able to make himself right before a holy God by keeping commandments. Because of God’s plan of redemption, He now sees me perfect in Christ. And so it is with anyone else who breathes air. When we recognize that Jesus did it all, we begin to walk by faith and not by sight. We begin to live a saved life.

I now live my life by faith not by laws. Living by laws cursed me, pushing my heart and mind into an unhealthy state. A walk of faith cannot be mixed with laws. Laws bring death. Preachers of the Law are reenacting the ancient Egyptian practice of mummification!

“[It is He] Who has qualified us [making us to be fit and worthy and sufficient] as ministers and dispensers of a new covenant [of salvation through Christ], not [ministers] of the letter (of legally written code) but of the Spirit; for the code [of the Law] kills, but the [Holy] Spirit makes alive.” (II Corinth. 3:6 Amplified)

The clincher is this. I'm no longer obligated to behave a certain way in order to please God. There's nothing I can do to displease Him. I'm dead. Why would I want to return to cause and effect life? It's a lose lose situation. I won't do it because...

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain." Galatians 2:20-21 (KJV)

Mummification - Part 1

I’m going to make an attempt to describe what happened to me emotionally and mentally over the past 30+ years. I used the word “mummify” in a conversation with my husband recently. It seemed to identify so succinctly what religion had produced in my life.

I used to believe that God was displeased with me whenever my behavior fell below an unseen line of acceptability. In the same manner I thought that God was pleased when I measured up to His standards put forth in the Bible. I would feel guilty or ashamed when I failed. Conversely, I would feel pretty good about myself when I succeeded. Not only did God have these standards for me to keep but I also had to keep a posture with the church people that indicated I had my act together. I had to act right for God and them too.

This created a false me. It created responses that were not true to my heart. I felt condemned at times and didn’t think highly of my ability to carry through on some of the behavioral requirements for a good Christian. When I did achieve it caused a “good for me” attitude, which also was not my true self. Over time, layer upon layer of fakery smothered my soul.

This is much like what happens to a mummy. The mummification process in ancient Egypt was the way a deceased person’s body was embalmed and wrapped. The abdomen cavity was emptied and dried. The organs, which had been removed, were also dried and put back into the body. Even the cloths used in the drying process were put inside to make the body look like its normal proportions. The outside was prepared with oils to keep the skin elastic. A final application of good smelling oil was made just prior to wrapping.

The wrapping process began with the head and neck. Then the fingers, toes, arms, and legs were wrapped. Between each layer trinkets or charms were placed to protect the dead person from evil spells or actions. A priest read spells out loud while the body was being wrapped. These spells were to ward off evil spirits and to help the deceased pass to the afterlife.

When the wrapping was complete, the body was placed inside a coffin and that coffin inside another coffin. The ancient Egyptians believed that the deceased must then pass through the underworld on its way to the afterlife. There his heart was to be judged by his good deeds on earth. If his heart was found to be pure he would live for all eternity in the beautiful “Field of Reeds”.

After years of guilt, shame, fear, and false security, I lost my ability to think and feel in healthy ways. I lived my life thinking that my feelings were not important. My opinions about how things were to be done also were not important. Emotionally and mentally I shrunk. My strength of mind and heart diminished.

It seemed that God had checked out of the process also. This happened gradually. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and thought that God had disappeared. I simply was not aware of what had happened to me over time. I knew that I wasn’t happy and that my life was empty. Any evidence of spiritual fruit was nonexistent. At least that was my perception. I had unknowingly declared fruit bankruptcy and stopped trying to please God. About this same time I got slammed into a wall.

This “wall” incident was the end of the road to my Law keeping ways. Why do I say Law keeping? I thought my behavior mattered to God. I thought that he would not and could not accept me unless I acted in the right, good Christian way. This meant being filled with the Spirit and having all the right fruit flowing out of me. I believed in cause and effect religion. If I didn’t perform properly, I was doomed. If I performed right, I’d be blessed and problems would be avoided in life. Obviously this did not work. The wall proved it.

My life was kick started into survival mode. It was the beginning of me recovering my soul. I was right where I needed to be... empty and finished with my ways.

Read Part 2…

So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore

This is the book that gave me permission to stop going to church. It started the revolution in my mind toward everything “God“. I began to realize it was okay to question everything that I had always considered “right“. Of course, I already strongly felt there was something desperately wrong with the institutional system of Christianity. Reading this book gave me hope that there was a way to live and give God His rightful place, which is simply Him living His life in me.

You can read it here online for free. Download it or read it online.

The authors of the book are Wayne Jacobsen and Dave Coleman, former pastors.

Expectation vs Expectancy

Religion produces expectation
Relationship produces expectancy

Years of my life were spent in a religious system that taught me to expect certain results from God according to my behavior. It was never said in a way that made me think I was manipulating God, but that is what resulted. I never thought "hmmm, I'm going to manipulate God today to get such and such". If it was that obvious I'd have seen it. It was much more subtle.

In my heart and mind, performance created acceptance from God. I walked believing that my actions made me right with God. What I did in the institutional church made me acceptable to God and His people. Well, maybe it was true regarding His people, but it is not so with God.

Ephesians 1:6 says... “to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.” He freely has bestowed grace on us and accepts us "in the beloved" because we are in Christ, not because of any works we produce.

By thinking that I needed to do things to be accepted, I felt obligated to perform. This created a false security in my relationship with God. Because I seemingly did all the right things (such as attended church, raised my children in church, did tasks in church in order to "do my part", and did not cause waves by openly disagreeing with how church happens, etc).... I followed the rules.

The expectation that I was somehow "protected" from bad things happening to me or my family proved to be a false belief system which collapsed in on top of me. When my marriage became threatened by forces I could not control, my life disintegrated before my eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen to people who were sincerely serving God. To say I was disillusioned at that point would be an understatement.

False beliefs do not produce intimacy with God. Jesus said He was The Truth. Believing lies about God produced in me a complacency that grew over years. It did the same in my husband. When we crashed and burned, we were set on a course by God that was meant for us to recover His heart and love. A living relationship with Him.

I’m now beginning to learn to live in expectancy. What new truth does He have for me? What new understanding does He have for me to know He’s working inside of me, that He’s renewing my mind daily and teaching me that His Way far exceeds my way.

Freedom in the Spirit has never been more real. Freedom to be who He made me to be. If He lives inside me, which I believe He does, then He is able to live His life through me. That creates expectancy. The future is not regulated and dictated. I believe He wants me to live in His faith and move forward. Releasing my expectations of how life should be has freed me to live. Every day is new.

Shifting Paradigms

For the past 33 months, I’ve been replacing or putting aside some foundational paradigms that have defined “my religion” for many years. Why? Because when I needed my religion to work, it didn’t. Having experienced extremely hurtful personal problems and reaching out to God with no recognizable response, I was left with an impression that God didn't care and was far off. Expecting the church people to help my husband and me through our difficult valley I was met with disappointment and a feeling of being shunned… at least that was my perception. After many months of disillusionment and finally leaving the church our family had been a part of for 12 years, I came to realize that my expectations and beliefs about God and his followers were both misappropriated and wrong. I plan to define some of these changes in future writings.

The Random House Dictionary defines “paradigm” as “the generally accepted perspective of a particular discipline at a given time”. “Shift” means “to put (something) aside and replace it by another or others; change or exchange: to shift ideas.” This is what I am doing. The process has brought great freedom to my spirit.