It's ready.
My new blog is called "take another look". Go ahead click on it.
It'll probably need to be tweaked a little here and there, but I like it.
Enjoy.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
change is in the air
It’s time for change. I’ve thought for quite some time now that I wanted to start another blog. Restoring Love has been a “restorative” experience for me. I’ve written things here that I probably never would have spoken out loud to another person other than my husband and a very few select others. Expressions of disillusionment, regret, anger, joy, peace, and hope are found here. I’ve been as honest as I know how to be. It’s been a place to which few have been invited primarily due to my own comfort level of exposure. I thank all who have read and participated in this adventure with me.
I’m in a different place now. I want the freedom to invite one and all to a new blog that I‘ve been mulling over in my mind. As soon as it is up and running I’ll post the link on this page.
I’m in a different place now. I want the freedom to invite one and all to a new blog that I‘ve been mulling over in my mind. As soon as it is up and running I’ll post the link on this page.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
embrace doubt
Last week I heard Mike Williams say,
Eventually the time came when I was ready to reconnect with God. Certainly I had never been disconnected but my perceptions were that I was far from God and He from me. My entire “belief system” had to be reconfigured. I gave myself the freedom to doubt many concepts that I had previously accepted as truths.
Mike also said,
Any relationship established under threat is not founded on love but fear. My foundational beliefs were based in fear. On top of that I attended churches that mixed law and grace for my entire Christian life. Because grace is nullified by the keeping of one law, I had only a concept of grace and love. Understanding the Gospel message, perhaps for the first time, has brought incredible freedom and peace to me.
“Embracing doubt is more powerful than embracing belief. The freedom to doubt is the power to believe.”About four years back I came to a place of letting go of most of my beliefs about God and religion. Because of the devastating nature of the circumstances I faced at the time, doubt just happened. It wasn‘t really a decision. I had no energy to consciously deal with the condition of my spirituality at the time.
Eventually the time came when I was ready to reconnect with God. Certainly I had never been disconnected but my perceptions were that I was far from God and He from me. My entire “belief system” had to be reconfigured. I gave myself the freedom to doubt many concepts that I had previously accepted as truths.
Mike also said,
“If we don’t embrace our doubts, we don’t truly believe anything. Walk into the arena of unbelief and embrace it.”This is what I’ve done in the last two years... questioning anything and everything. I’ve been willing to embrace unbelief and allow myself to explore what it is that God has done and what it is that I really believe, separate from the threat of hell. The reason I accepted Christ as a teenager was to escape hell. I did not want to be separated from my friends for eternity.
Any relationship established under threat is not founded on love but fear. My foundational beliefs were based in fear. On top of that I attended churches that mixed law and grace for my entire Christian life. Because grace is nullified by the keeping of one law, I had only a concept of grace and love. Understanding the Gospel message, perhaps for the first time, has brought incredible freedom and peace to me.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Unasked Questions
“One of the moral diseases we communicate to one another in society comes from huddling together in the pale light of an insufficient answer to a question we were afraid to ask.” ~Thomas Merton
Most all of my life as a Christian I have had questions and have been afraid to ask them. Several years back I decided “NO MORE”! My life had to work if I was going to stick around. No longer was I going to “go along to get along”. If there was a way to live this life with God, I was going to find it. Otherwise… I don’t know what the otherwise would have been. I never got there.
Getting to the place of “giving up” was the best thing for me. I read this post by Stacey Robbins over at the Free Believers website and thought it described my journey so well. Take a few minutes and ponder her words. I respect her honesty.
for a new beginning
For a New Beginning
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
~ John O'Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
~ John O'Donohue
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Behavior and The Gospel
The evangelical church today is very concerned with behavior. The behavior of their children, themselves, and mostly everyone else, especially homosexuals. (Yes, I saw the Oprah interview with Ted Haggard… fascinating!!)
Our human behavior can be traced to the fact that we are human and our environment is filled with other humans. The connection between our humanity and God is not something we can fix. It’s up to Him. And He did something about it, don’t worry. He perfected us at the Cross. Are we then perfect? Yes, as far as our spiritual being is concerned we are perfect. I don't believe our humanity separates us from Him. Our mindsets may separate us more than anything. The teachings of religion separate us by telling us our humanity should be thus and so. So we tell each other it should be thus and so. We then make judgments upon judgments that cause people to hide their humanity (or not) and personal worth is lost. This is why we need the Gospel.
The Gospel, being mysterious and working through a power called love, will produce whatever salvation our soul requires. How love works is difficult to explain. If behaviors need changing, I think love can do that. This is how it has worked in me and how I've seen it work in those close to me. When we truly recognize that we are hurting ourselves or others through our actions, we can work at changing our behavior. If our behavior is not hurting anyone, what's the problem? God's not offended or shocked.
Scripture says that He would be "satisfied when He sees the suffering" of the sacrifice.
God's not angry. He's not judging anymore. He's perfected us through Jesus. This is what the Gospel is... the good news. That's why Jesus told the disciples to "Go". This "good news" brings a salvation that produces a freedom which is inexplicable. Just don't go throwing in requirements to maintain it (church attendance, bible reading, etc.) The freedom then quickly fades. That has been my experience.
Our human behavior can be traced to the fact that we are human and our environment is filled with other humans. The connection between our humanity and God is not something we can fix. It’s up to Him. And He did something about it, don’t worry. He perfected us at the Cross. Are we then perfect? Yes, as far as our spiritual being is concerned we are perfect. I don't believe our humanity separates us from Him. Our mindsets may separate us more than anything. The teachings of religion separate us by telling us our humanity should be thus and so. So we tell each other it should be thus and so. We then make judgments upon judgments that cause people to hide their humanity (or not) and personal worth is lost. This is why we need the Gospel.
The Gospel, being mysterious and working through a power called love, will produce whatever salvation our soul requires. How love works is difficult to explain. If behaviors need changing, I think love can do that. This is how it has worked in me and how I've seen it work in those close to me. When we truly recognize that we are hurting ourselves or others through our actions, we can work at changing our behavior. If our behavior is not hurting anyone, what's the problem? God's not offended or shocked.
Scripture says that He would be "satisfied when He sees the suffering" of the sacrifice.
"He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities." Isaiah 53:11
God's not angry. He's not judging anymore. He's perfected us through Jesus. This is what the Gospel is... the good news. That's why Jesus told the disciples to "Go". This "good news" brings a salvation that produces a freedom which is inexplicable. Just don't go throwing in requirements to maintain it (church attendance, bible reading, etc.) The freedom then quickly fades. That has been my experience.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Following Truth to Freedom
This morning I noticed that Darin Hufford had a new post on his blog. It talks of friendship and how it works in the church (small "c"). When our family left organized religion several years ago, I was caught off-guard when people who I thought were friends in that particular church made no effort to contact us except for one or two who then made no follow-up calls. I understand a little better now why and how this happens. Darin's post confirms what I had reconciled in my heart to be true about leaving. There is no condemnation in my heart for the church people we left because it's a boat that I have floated in most of my life. You can read his post here.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Don’t Fear Questions
I saw this on one of the Yahoo lists that I read. It’s by Sister Joan Chittister, a member of the Benedictine Sisters of Erie, PA. I've colored for emphasis the parts to which I can especially relate.
I DON'T FEAR QUESTIONS
As a young teenager, kneeling in a dark cathedral one night, with no illumination in the church but the sanctuary lamp, I had an experience of intense light. I was thirteen years old and totally convinced that, whatever it was and wherever it came from, the light was God. Perhaps it was a good janitor working late, or a bad switch that did not work at all, or a startling insight given to a young woman, given gratuitously. I did not know then and I do not know now. But I did know that the light was God and that God was light.
It has not always been easy—I went through a terrible period as a young sister—to the point that I thought I would have to leave religious life because I doubted the divinity of Jesus. Only when I realized that I did believe deeply and profoundly in God could I come to peace with the fact that faith in God would have to be enough. It was a dark, empty time. It threw me back on the barest of beliefs but the deepest of beliefs. I hung on in hope like a spider on a thread. But the thread was enough for me. As a result, my faith actually deepened over the years. The humanity of Jesus gave promise to my own. Jesus ceased to be distant and ethereal and “perfect.” Jesus let no system, no matter how revered, keep him from a relationship with God. And that union with God, I came to understand, was divine. Then I also understood that questions are of the essence in a mature faith.
I don’t fear the questions any more. I know that they are all part of the process of coming to union with God and refusing to make an idol of anything less. The point is that during that difficult time I didn’t try to force anything. I simply lived in the desert believing that whatever life I found there was life enough for me. I believed that God was in the darkness. It is all part of the purification process and should be revered. It takes away from us our paltry little definitions of God and brings us face-to-face with the Transcendent. It is not to be feared. It is simply to be experienced. Then, God begins to live in us without benefit of recipes and rituals, laws, and “answers”—of which there are, in the final analysis, none at all.
~Sister Joan Chittister
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Break the Rules
Jim Palmer of Divine Nobodies posted at his blog several days ago a list of rules that he broke when he was in religion which he now is glad he broke. A few stood out to me that I'd like to comment on.
I believed this. It produced a life that became stale, mundane, and without vitality. Deep down inside I felt that what I had built regarding "belief" didn't work. The "abundant life" that was supposedly afforded to the believer was nowhere to be found. What I had been told over the course of many years turned out to be built on false assumptions. Anyone believing they have learned it all or have come close to that height is certainly one of the more self-righteous persons around. That was me. The extent of my knowledge I see today as small. There is so much more that I don’t understand, that I don‘t get. This fact is liberating.
This was easy. The do’s and don’ts of the elite in charge made it clear that if my life was not transforming into a more peaceful and righteous life, it was me (my flesh and humanity) that must be getting in the way. I reject this today!
Again this one flows right out of the last one. Emotions of anger, anxiety, and fear, to name just a few, were not acceptable in my belief system. These would be labeled with a “lack of faith” thus putting the feeler into a lesser position with God. The polarity then would be that those who never displayed anger, anxiety, or fear, not to anyone from the church at least, were more righteous and better Christians all around. This resulted in me stuffing my feelings and becoming a good fake. I reject this today!
This one is an accumulation of all the others in my opinion. This one kept me from experiencing life with my God, my husband, and my family in the ways that the creation is designed to experience life here on planet earth. Love and freedom are what God is all about.
So what is different now? Well, the difference between then and now is revelation. I know this word can have negative connotations. I don’t mean it that way. It’s simple really. I see and believe now that Jesus and Father agreed to make redemption available to me before I had any say in the matter.
It never was about our doing good enough or being good enough to receive his gift of salvation. And there is nothing we can do to keep it. We never were and never will be good enough for God in and of ourselves. He made us righteous through Jesus. This is grace. I walk daily now believing that what I do or say will not distance me from Father. This is the gospel, the good news of Christ.
"Assume that everything you’ve been told or currently know is all there is to truth and anything refuting it must be wrong. In other words, you’ve arrived with virtually nothing left to learn except for trying harder with what you already know."
"If you keep applying the same formula or beliefs and it doesn’t produce the result it promised, assume the problem is you."I certainly believed that I was the problem. Weekly berating sessions by professional clergy wore me out. I felt so useless to God and believed I would never make the grade so I gave up trying. (My husband has the same testimony.) I became an unbeliever. It affected every part of my life. I was a regular attendee but I wasn't a believer. I couldn't relate to what the people up front were talking about. They were talking about something that didn‘t seem real to me. And I blamed myself for this failure to believe. I was somehow deficient. There was no option either. If I didn’t fall into the parameters presented, there had to be something wrong with me. I reject this today!
"Just accept at the outset that your humanity is your enemy."
"Equate God’s blessing with improved circumstances or existing in a constant state of 'good feelings'."
"Don’t ever let yourself fully give into love and freedom."
So what is different now? Well, the difference between then and now is revelation. I know this word can have negative connotations. I don’t mean it that way. It’s simple really. I see and believe now that Jesus and Father agreed to make redemption available to me before I had any say in the matter.
It never was about our doing good enough or being good enough to receive his gift of salvation. And there is nothing we can do to keep it. We never were and never will be good enough for God in and of ourselves. He made us righteous through Jesus. This is grace. I walk daily now believing that what I do or say will not distance me from Father. This is the gospel, the good news of Christ.
“For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes...” Romans 1:16 NKJV
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I threw it all away
I read this post tonight at the Free Believers Network. One of the paragraphs spoke so directly to the path I’ve been traversing.
Over two years later, I have no regrets for taking the path I’ve taken. Life has returned to my soul. Emotion and hope have returned. I’m not an atheist, not by a long shot. My life is certainly different and definitely on more solid ground than ever. I recognize that I’m a spiritual being living a human life. The spiritual separate from the natural. I accept both but I don’t live trying to reconcile one with the other in this natural world.
My spiritual life is settled. It was settled 2,000 years ago with no help from me. The life I life in this world I live by the faith of Jesus.
I threw out my religion because it wasn't working. So much about it not only seemed fake and hyped, it also left me empty inside. My life received no fulfillment from religion. The system I participated in wasn’t producing what it promised. So I wiped the slate clean and started over. I opened the door to God inviting him to show me what was real and what wasn’t.
"I visited an atheist's website the other day and was astounded by what I found. This guy believed exactly the way I did. He just got fed up with the god that Christianity had served him and he finally made the decision to throw it all away. I have found that for a Free Believer, the quickest way to recover from organized religious thinking is to become an atheist of sorts. You have to literally divorce your mind from the god you were raised with if you ever want to know the one true God. Most of us spend a lifetime trying to fix our broken image of Him, when in reality, we need to throw it all away and start from scratch."
Over two years later, I have no regrets for taking the path I’ve taken. Life has returned to my soul. Emotion and hope have returned. I’m not an atheist, not by a long shot. My life is certainly different and definitely on more solid ground than ever. I recognize that I’m a spiritual being living a human life. The spiritual separate from the natural. I accept both but I don’t live trying to reconcile one with the other in this natural world.
My spiritual life is settled. It was settled 2,000 years ago with no help from me. The life I life in this world I live by the faith of Jesus.
“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
Monday, January 19, 2009
Let Your Heart Win
"Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts." II Corinthians 3:3
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Many Parts
Several entries ago I wrote about my physical body situation. The medication is finally working better than it was before and our family doctor is now on the job trying to help me move into a more satisfactory functioning state. This has definitely affected my mental state for the better and all is not lost. It never was, of course, but perception is reality.
Paul wrote in I Corinthians 12:12-26, using his trademark comparison method of teaching, explaining how the physical body is similar to the function of the body of Christ… all parts being necessary… one part not being more important than another. The New Living translation puts it this way:
A micro-tear in my plantar fascia caused extreme pain in my left heel. This pain showed up when I first got up to walk or stand. Once I was up it didn’t hurt as much, but the longer I was up the more it hurt when I sat back down. This odd cycle affected my psyche to the point that activity was just not something I looked forward to. Resting the fascia helped but that affected my metabolic rate which in turn touched off other factors in my body. The doctors were called in to help arrest the situation. With the help of time the heel is getting better, and with medication I feel more stabilized in the rest of my body. We’re headed in the right direction, balancing activity with rest.
The seeming “less important part”, my heel, has proven its importance. I see how these verses work with the physical body. How do they work with the body of Christ?
Paul wrote in I Corinthians 12:12-26, using his trademark comparison method of teaching, explaining how the physical body is similar to the function of the body of Christ… all parts being necessary… one part not being more important than another. The New Living translation puts it this way:
"12 The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. 13 Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit.
14 Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. 15 If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?
18 But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. 19 How strange a body would be if it had only one part! 20 Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. 21 The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”
22 In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. 23 And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, 24 while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. 25 This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. 26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.”
A micro-tear in my plantar fascia caused extreme pain in my left heel. This pain showed up when I first got up to walk or stand. Once I was up it didn’t hurt as much, but the longer I was up the more it hurt when I sat back down. This odd cycle affected my psyche to the point that activity was just not something I looked forward to. Resting the fascia helped but that affected my metabolic rate which in turn touched off other factors in my body. The doctors were called in to help arrest the situation. With the help of time the heel is getting better, and with medication I feel more stabilized in the rest of my body. We’re headed in the right direction, balancing activity with rest.
The seeming “less important part”, my heel, has proven its importance. I see how these verses work with the physical body. How do they work with the body of Christ?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
No Such Thing
Here’s another song. This one is by John Mayer called No Such Thing. Here's the video. This song speaks to my finding out that much of Christianity teaches Law and Grace in the same breathe, thus making Grace of no effect (Romans 11:6). I know John Mayer didn’t mean it this way, but I put my own spin on most songs anyway. Isn’t that what they’re for? Grace is the most amazing discovery I’ve made in my life. If running through the halls of the church "screaming" the message of Grace in order to help free others, I might do it. It won't work that way though. Humans make it more difficult than that.
Welcome to the real world, she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits and maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above
I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for
Condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits and maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above
I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for
Monday, December 29, 2008
depression
Another calendar year is nearly complete. This blog has been up and running for just over a year. Most of it has been about my journey out of religion. It has been an attempt to relate in writing my perceptions of my life over the past 3-4 years, mostly dealing with who I am to God and who he is to and in me.
Writing has been difficult for me lately. A combination of being unsure if I should continue with this blog and the fact that I have felt pretty awful lately… say, since July. In the past two months my body seems to have gone haywire. I finally “broke down” and went to the doctor. Yep, she said I have a few problems. I already knew that but she helped narrow it down a bit. She prescribed a few medications, at low doses, which haven’t really kicked in yet. The issues are not solved and I will be going to another doctor in a few weeks to hone in on the problems more precisely.
All this has led to a degree of depression. Self diagnosed, of course, but this “friend” has visited me often in recent years and is again with me. I think it is safe to say that my whole life has been lived with some degree of depression from time to time. Not continual. Just every so often… whenever outside circumstances seem difficult to deal with especially.
The fact that I’m even writing about it here shows a dramatic change in my approach to this subject. I used to either ignore it, deny it, or resent it. I don’t ignore it or deny it any longer and I’m ever so slowly beginning to accept it and go with it.
Some “experts” say that depression is nothing more than suppressed anger. I don’t doubt it. Expression of emotions has always been difficult for me. Lately my journey has taken me into what I see as new understandings about God. Knowing what to do with my old perceptions and how to deal with the years that I held them has been difficult. I’m ticked off about some of the things I was told by those “in authority” in the church and then believed. I placed undo merit on many who I thought were supposed to know the truth and yet didn’t. There was a form of godliness but no power demonstrated. And, of course, this was my life too. I didn’t know any different and didn’t have any power in my life either. I was totally buffaloed by my own beliefs and had no concept of where the power was supposed to even come from. Looking back at this reality, at times, produces anger toward myself, those people, and even at God.
Writing has been difficult for me lately. A combination of being unsure if I should continue with this blog and the fact that I have felt pretty awful lately… say, since July. In the past two months my body seems to have gone haywire. I finally “broke down” and went to the doctor. Yep, she said I have a few problems. I already knew that but she helped narrow it down a bit. She prescribed a few medications, at low doses, which haven’t really kicked in yet. The issues are not solved and I will be going to another doctor in a few weeks to hone in on the problems more precisely.
All this has led to a degree of depression. Self diagnosed, of course, but this “friend” has visited me often in recent years and is again with me. I think it is safe to say that my whole life has been lived with some degree of depression from time to time. Not continual. Just every so often… whenever outside circumstances seem difficult to deal with especially.
The fact that I’m even writing about it here shows a dramatic change in my approach to this subject. I used to either ignore it, deny it, or resent it. I don’t ignore it or deny it any longer and I’m ever so slowly beginning to accept it and go with it.
Some “experts” say that depression is nothing more than suppressed anger. I don’t doubt it. Expression of emotions has always been difficult for me. Lately my journey has taken me into what I see as new understandings about God. Knowing what to do with my old perceptions and how to deal with the years that I held them has been difficult. I’m ticked off about some of the things I was told by those “in authority” in the church and then believed. I placed undo merit on many who I thought were supposed to know the truth and yet didn’t. There was a form of godliness but no power demonstrated. And, of course, this was my life too. I didn’t know any different and didn’t have any power in my life either. I was totally buffaloed by my own beliefs and had no concept of where the power was supposed to even come from. Looking back at this reality, at times, produces anger toward myself, those people, and even at God.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Music Again
I’m enjoying music again… all different kinds. Some that I would have classified as “secular” a few years ago have lyrics that speak to life. With “judging” taking on new meaning, I’ve transitioned and now enjoy a number of different groups. Our sons have introduced their dear old parents to some of their music . We both enjoy the new input. Here’s one from Five For Fighting that I play loud driving around in the car:
It’s about living and loving life… freely. It’s about God creating each of us… our likeness reflecting Him. With gratitude… have a great Thanksgiving Day.
The Riddle
There was a man back in '95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him
Wait, what's the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me
He said,
Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see
Then he said,
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
Picked up my kid from school today
Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me
He said,
Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me
And Hey Dad
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
I said,
Son for all I've told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world...
Who am I?
There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see
He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...
The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me
I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
There was a man back in '95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him
Wait, what's the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me
He said,
Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see
Then he said,
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
Picked up my kid from school today
Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me
He said,
Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me
And Hey Dad
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
I said,
Son for all I've told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world...
Who am I?
There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see
He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...
The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me
I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
It’s about living and loving life… freely. It’s about God creating each of us… our likeness reflecting Him. With gratitude… have a great Thanksgiving Day.
Monday, November 24, 2008
gossip kills
Last week I attended a gathering of some women whom I have known for quite a number of years. The common denominator that brought us together was the fact that each of us at some point in the past had taken on the task of educating our children at home. We knew each other from that venue. It was a get-together at one of the lady’s homes basically set up so she could introduce and sell a product to earn extra income for her family.
After arriving we mingled and showed pictures of our families. We caught up on our lives and those of our children, where they were, what they were doing, and that sort of thing. During the course of conversation around a table set with food, we started talking about some of those we knew who were not present. Understandably we wanted to know how different ones were doing now.
It didn’t take long before someone mentioned a mom who had changed her life and the way she looked. This person now had an office job and was wearing clothing that was totally different from what she had previously worn. Instead of the high collar, no skin showing person, she now was wearing fashionable clothes, looking “very good”, and drawing the extra attention of men in the office in which she was working.
Even though I made a comment something to the effect like "good for her", trying to stand in for her defense I suppose, I was bothered by the use of innuendo and insinuation that the teller used when speaking of this woman. It was clearly gossip. What business was it of any of us how this woman now dressed much less know that men were noticing her at work? I doubt if she was a personal friend of anyone in the room and yet several present thought talking about her in this manner was okay.
There was a time not too long ago I found out that my family was being talked about. It caused hurt, anxiety, anger, and suspicion just to mention a few emotions created by this injustice of gossip. The source of the gossip came from someone inside our church, the only place such knowledge existed. This was one reason for us leaving the church meeting place, though not the only one. The mental and emotional distress I experienced when going to “church” was very difficult to deal with. The oppressive invisible force always present, I had no resources at the time to fight it. If that was even something that could be done, I don't know. When we left, I suppose you could say the gossips won.
I think that gossip is typical of some religious people. It seems that it is a product of judgment. Judgment is that which is passed by the religious ones against those who fall from the Christian standard of acceptability. Why is gossip so prevalent in the religious church setting? Could belief in keeping the Law have anything to do with this?
If someone lives under the Law, they experience guilt and shame on a regular basis. When a Law person sees someone stumble and fall, their own sense of guilt and shame causes them to feel the need to expose the other (the sinner). They need to make what the other person did seem much worse than anything they may have ever done or thought of doing, thus alleviating their own feelings of guilt or shame.
When I was a child I was constantly chided and made to feel worthless by my alcoholic father. I think it was his way of alleviating his own feelings of worthlessness. This somehow makes twisted sense to me.
Judgment was the default in my life before I became aware of God’s grace. It wasn’t until I realized I desperately needed God’s grace that I became a recipient of it. How could I receive something until I was aware I even needed it. My admission of failure and weakness caused me to begin to see all humans as equally in need. All of mankind is on equal footing when it comes to God. He knows us. We don’t know Him.
Gossip kills. It kills hearts and minds. It kills relationships. It kills like the Law kills. Grace is the soil from which love grows. We all need more realization of our desperate need for God and less self sufficient and self righteous attitudes. The two definitely do not mix.
Seeing all as equally needy will create compassion and camaraderie toward others, not judgment and criticism.
After arriving we mingled and showed pictures of our families. We caught up on our lives and those of our children, where they were, what they were doing, and that sort of thing. During the course of conversation around a table set with food, we started talking about some of those we knew who were not present. Understandably we wanted to know how different ones were doing now.
It didn’t take long before someone mentioned a mom who had changed her life and the way she looked. This person now had an office job and was wearing clothing that was totally different from what she had previously worn. Instead of the high collar, no skin showing person, she now was wearing fashionable clothes, looking “very good”, and drawing the extra attention of men in the office in which she was working.
Even though I made a comment something to the effect like "good for her", trying to stand in for her defense I suppose, I was bothered by the use of innuendo and insinuation that the teller used when speaking of this woman. It was clearly gossip. What business was it of any of us how this woman now dressed much less know that men were noticing her at work? I doubt if she was a personal friend of anyone in the room and yet several present thought talking about her in this manner was okay.
There was a time not too long ago I found out that my family was being talked about. It caused hurt, anxiety, anger, and suspicion just to mention a few emotions created by this injustice of gossip. The source of the gossip came from someone inside our church, the only place such knowledge existed. This was one reason for us leaving the church meeting place, though not the only one. The mental and emotional distress I experienced when going to “church” was very difficult to deal with. The oppressive invisible force always present, I had no resources at the time to fight it. If that was even something that could be done, I don't know. When we left, I suppose you could say the gossips won.
I think that gossip is typical of some religious people. It seems that it is a product of judgment. Judgment is that which is passed by the religious ones against those who fall from the Christian standard of acceptability. Why is gossip so prevalent in the religious church setting? Could belief in keeping the Law have anything to do with this?
If someone lives under the Law, they experience guilt and shame on a regular basis. When a Law person sees someone stumble and fall, their own sense of guilt and shame causes them to feel the need to expose the other (the sinner). They need to make what the other person did seem much worse than anything they may have ever done or thought of doing, thus alleviating their own feelings of guilt or shame.
When I was a child I was constantly chided and made to feel worthless by my alcoholic father. I think it was his way of alleviating his own feelings of worthlessness. This somehow makes twisted sense to me.
Judgment was the default in my life before I became aware of God’s grace. It wasn’t until I realized I desperately needed God’s grace that I became a recipient of it. How could I receive something until I was aware I even needed it. My admission of failure and weakness caused me to begin to see all humans as equally in need. All of mankind is on equal footing when it comes to God. He knows us. We don’t know Him.
Gossip kills. It kills hearts and minds. It kills relationships. It kills like the Law kills. Grace is the soil from which love grows. We all need more realization of our desperate need for God and less self sufficient and self righteous attitudes. The two definitely do not mix.
Seeing all as equally needy will create compassion and camaraderie toward others, not judgment and criticism.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
ALL
Consider this statement:
“Not all men became sinners after Adam demonstrated unbelief and disobedience in the garden."
How would most Christians respond to this statement? The overwhelming majority would say that it is not true. They would insist that death became a reality for all men because of the sin of Adam. They would also say that no one was even given a choice in the matter. Mankind was automatically assigned the death sentence because of Adam’s unbelief and disobedience. The Bible would back up this understanding also.
“…just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned,” Romans 5:13 (NKJV)
I agree. The fact that sin and death spread to all men seems established in this verse.
If we believe that all died without a choice in the matter, then why don’t we believe that Jesus redeemed all without a choice being needed on man‘s part? Do we need to believe first in order to receive redemption? I think belief is important in living a life here on earth. What does believing do for us? Our believing that Jesus finished and fulfilled it all at the Cross brings salvation to our mind and soul as we live our life here and now.
Evangelical Christianity teaches that only those who confess and believe can receive the gift of redemption offered by Jesus Christ. Some are in and some are out. I don’t believe this as I once did. I don’t believe it was an offering, a choice, or an option. Scripture doesn’t bare this out.
Continuing to read in Romans 5 we see that the gift given is much more than the death by offense that mankind received by Adam.
“But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many.” Romans 5:15 (NKJV)
In case the word “many” provokes a question of how many received it, look at Romans 5:18:
“Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man’s righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life.”
I love the book of Romans.
This is my first post in a month. Some in my family took a week away from home which meant one week to get ready to go and two to get back to normal after returning. Well, that’s my excuse anyway for not writing. More to come…
“Not all men became sinners after Adam demonstrated unbelief and disobedience in the garden."
How would most Christians respond to this statement? The overwhelming majority would say that it is not true. They would insist that death became a reality for all men because of the sin of Adam. They would also say that no one was even given a choice in the matter. Mankind was automatically assigned the death sentence because of Adam’s unbelief and disobedience. The Bible would back up this understanding also.
“…just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all sinned,” Romans 5:13 (NKJV)
I agree. The fact that sin and death spread to all men seems established in this verse.
If we believe that all died without a choice in the matter, then why don’t we believe that Jesus redeemed all without a choice being needed on man‘s part? Do we need to believe first in order to receive redemption? I think belief is important in living a life here on earth. What does believing do for us? Our believing that Jesus finished and fulfilled it all at the Cross brings salvation to our mind and soul as we live our life here and now.
Evangelical Christianity teaches that only those who confess and believe can receive the gift of redemption offered by Jesus Christ. Some are in and some are out. I don’t believe this as I once did. I don’t believe it was an offering, a choice, or an option. Scripture doesn’t bare this out.
Continuing to read in Romans 5 we see that the gift given is much more than the death by offense that mankind received by Adam.
“But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many.” Romans 5:15 (NKJV)
In case the word “many” provokes a question of how many received it, look at Romans 5:18:
“Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man’s righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life.”
I love the book of Romans.
This is my first post in a month. Some in my family took a week away from home which meant one week to get ready to go and two to get back to normal after returning. Well, that’s my excuse anyway for not writing. More to come…
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