Retrospection… part 3

This writing is preceded by two other posts which can be read here (part 1) and here (part 2).


Through all this God was working to restore us to Himself. The primary reason I would give at the time for leaving was that I wanted to recover our spiritual lives, whatever that meant. Feeling disconnected from God and not understanding why, it seemed that the church we were in was not going to be a solution for us. Not understanding the emotions inside, we found ourselves leaving Sunday morning services in worse shape than when we went in. The decision to leave did not come easy. We simply left. No explanation to anyone.

Not characteristic of us, this manner of departure demonstrated our lack of strength. The emotional battles we had fought for 20 months had taken their toll. This was not a battle I was going to fight. I didn’t care about solving any of these problems anymore. I had no faith that they were solvable. “Get me out of here, it hurts!” was my general standing.

We visited six or seven churches for about 6 months. To our astonishment we found that each was basically the same as the others including the one we had initially left. Every church seemed to have the same basic format and connecting with people was difficult. Nothing meshed.

It was toward the end of this six month period that I found a book online entitled So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore? written by Wayne Jacobsen. It sparked something inside of me. I read it to my husband. We gave ourselves permission to stop trying to find a church. At first it was difficult. Perhaps more for my husband than me. For quite some time I had been disenchanted with church. New ideas had sprung to life and I felt God stirring things up.

I listened to Wayne's online series entitled Transitions. I read his book entitled He Loves Me. Feeling God's love was foreign. I knew in my mind that He loved me, but I wanted to sense Him. After reading He Loves Me (twice), I decided to ask God to show me His love everyday in whatever way He wanted.

My heart began changing. I was waiting for Him to make the moves. I did not try to create anything. I simply waited for Him. Things that I was doing seemed to be connected. The journey on which I had embarked to find God began producing fruit.