Love and Acceptance

All of mankind possesses an innate need to be loved and accepted by God. The garden in Genesis is where this was first experienced and it was there that it was severed. Adam, Eve, snake, tree… yeah, that. Mankind has been striving ever since to find ways to get back to God. The methods of reconnection seem innumerable. Man doesn’t even know most of the time that that is what he‘s trying to do.

God is the only one who can truly meet this need for love and acceptance. When we were children our parents became the source for the meeting of these needs. Many parents are great at loving their children. Most are not. Thus we develop methods that are meant to make us feel loved and accepted. I’ve heard these methods described as survival strategies. Many times these strategies don’t work and we realize they will never work, so we convince ourselves that we don‘t even have the need and we say things to ourselves like, “I don‘t need to feel loved”, “I don’t need anyone else”, “Since God seems to not care, why should I?”. We become survivors in our own minds. We internally declare self-sufficiency. What we are really doing is shutting ourselves off from life… the life that God intends for us.

Over the years my own techniques for survival have proven themselves a failure. Continuing these strategies into adulthood after salvation almost destroyed me. One of these strategies was to hide emotionally. I wouldn't show my true feelings. This was developed from a combination of learned survival strategies as a child and a belief that Christians aren’t supposed to show that they have problems. Religion taught me I needed to perform properly to be loved and accepted by the Christians around me. When my life fell apart three years ago, I failed to understand what was happening in all the grief I was experiencing. Faith broke down.

Previous to disaster, I was half-living, half-dying. I was not honest with myself, with those around me, or with God. This dishonesty was blasted away, however, and I was forced to confront the person hiding inside me. I was forced to be honest with myself, God, and those I loved. The beliefs I held concerning God were obliterated. I am thankful for that. I started on a journey of restoration that has been quite unpleasant at times. It has been and still is to some degree the ultimate “desert” experience. It's been amazing. Allow me to digress for a bit.

When I became a Christian at the age of 17, I accepted Christ by faith and was saved by His grace. In Ephesians 2:8,9 Paul wrote, “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” I knew I had become a new creature II Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” I not only felt new inside, I acted new outside.

Even though my salvation didn’t come by my own works, it didn’t take long before I began working to grow my new life in Christ. It was about then that the shine wore off. I had begun by grace and subtly slipped into thinking that I needed to maintain the relationship with Him by doing things that made Him seem (feel) close to me. I had no idea that I was doing “works” by trying to gain my sanctification (moving towards perfection). I was told by religion to do a number of things in order to work out my salvation, such as attend church, read my Bible, pray, witness to others, love others, etc. I wasn’t very good at doing most of these things. Even though I rarely missed a Sunday meeting time, I did not read my Bible regularly or perform any number of other things that I was supposed to do. I felt I wasn’t a very good Christian. I knew I was saved but I didn't seem to measure up.

After years and years of trying I still felt mediocre in my performance, and also in my relationship with God. It did not feel like He was very close to me. I couldn’t say that I felt love for Him. I tried not to think about it too much. Who knows where this could lead a person, right? Questioning and all that. I spent years in this pattern… many years… doing for God but never really feeling loved and accepted. Religion (or perhaps legalism) taught me that if I obeyed the rules I would please Him and everything would be alright in the end. Besides I didn’t esteem myself too important a person. I went along to get along.

It had to all break down eventually don‘t you think. I became lukewarm in my relationship with God. I did just enough to get by, all the time with no “victory” in life. The “abundant life” was not happening in me and quite frankly I saw very little of it in others around me. This happened over the course of somewhere between 10-15 years.

The process of restoration was set in motion over three years ago. One of the first things God showed me was that He wanted to show His love to me. This was a huge step for me. I didn’t know His love. Gradually He began showing me, through writers of books and the internet, how it is that He loves. A book entitled He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen helped me a lot. It was simple and to the point. It took me back to my early foundations in Christ and slowly my spiritual house was being built up again. But it wasn’t the same house. It couldn’t be the same house. I didn’t want the same house.

Father began showing me that He was not who I thought He was. He showed me that He wasn't religious or a legalist. I had never thought in my mind that He was religious or a legalist but the life I was living proved otherwise. My self imposed obligation system made Him into a legalist. In the Old Testament, God knew that the Israelites wouldn’t be able to obey all the Law. His purpose in the law was for His people to turn to Him in their failure and for them to realize they would never fulfill the law. They could never work their way to God and earn His love and acceptance. I was attempting to do the same thing. It took two of the three years in the restoration process to get me to this point… the end of myself. So… I gave up. I stopped trying. I stopped trying to protect myself from hurt. Experience proved to me that all my efforts couldn’t keep me safe regardless of my actions.

What did I miss the first time around? I believe, as Christians, we are meant to allow God to perfect us. It’s a process. It’s referred to as “working out our salvation“. Philippians 2:12-13 says, “…work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” Notice that God is the one doing the willing and the working in us for His good pleasure. We don’t do it ourselves. We don’t know how to. God does it in us. This is a gift just as salvation is a gift. We allow the process and cooperate with Father in it. If we try to do it in our own strength, to perfect ourselves, we will fail. This is what I tried to do. I thought it was up to me.

How does it work? Romans 6:10,11 says, “For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus." I Corinthians 15:31 says, “…I die daily.“ Galatians 2:20 is the verse that opened my understanding more than any other verse, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” My old nature is dead. Not my body, not my flesh. The “old man of sin” is dead. I am a brand new person. I do live a life in the flesh, but I live it by the faith of Jesus. My body was not renewed. That is where sanctification comes in.

There are changes that Father wants to work in me. My job is to simply live by faith believing that He will do it. Philippians 1:6 says, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." He that started the work, perfects and finishes the work. Faith is trusting. Trusting comes from loving. Loving comes from Father. John 13:34 states, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another." It is His love in me that loves others. I don't have agape love outside of Him.

Survival strategies are being replaced by faith. I don’t need them. Because my body has not been renewed yet, there remains flesh patterns in my physical brain and my physical body. Trusting Him to fix me is the key. Believing that He will do what He says takes all the pressure off of me. I’m free to be the person He created me to be. Living life through Him is so totally liberating. Father designs us distinct from all others and desires to live His life through us as His original creation.

I know that Father loves me. He accepts me. I sense His nearness. I’m learning to recognize the still small voice in this relationship with me that He has so graciously begun again.

Expectation vs Expectancy

Religion produces expectation
Relationship produces expectancy

Years of my life were spent in a religious system that taught me to expect certain results from God according to my behavior. It was never said in a way that made me think I was manipulating God, but that is what resulted. I never thought "hmmm, I'm going to manipulate God today to get such and such". If it was that obvious I'd have seen it. It was much more subtle.

In my heart and mind, performance created acceptance from God. I walked believing that my actions made me right with God. What I did in the institutional church made me acceptable to God and His people. Well, maybe it was true regarding His people, but it is not so with God.

Ephesians 1:6 says... “to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.” He freely has bestowed grace on us and accepts us "in the beloved" because we are in Christ, not because of any works we produce.

By thinking that I needed to do things to be accepted, I felt obligated to perform. This created a false security in my relationship with God. Because I seemingly did all the right things (such as attended church, raised my children in church, did tasks in church in order to "do my part", and did not cause waves by openly disagreeing with how church happens, etc).... I followed the rules.

The expectation that I was somehow "protected" from bad things happening to me or my family proved to be a false belief system which collapsed in on top of me. When my marriage became threatened by forces I could not control, my life disintegrated before my eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen to people who were sincerely serving God. To say I was disillusioned at that point would be an understatement.

False beliefs do not produce intimacy with God. Jesus said He was The Truth. Believing lies about God produced in me a complacency that grew over years. It did the same in my husband. When we crashed and burned, we were set on a course by God that was meant for us to recover His heart and love. A living relationship with Him.

I’m now beginning to learn to live in expectancy. What new truth does He have for me? What new understanding does He have for me to know He’s working inside of me, that He’s renewing my mind daily and teaching me that His Way far exceeds my way.

Freedom in the Spirit has never been more real. Freedom to be who He made me to be. If He lives inside me, which I believe He does, then He is able to live His life through me. That creates expectancy. The future is not regulated and dictated. I believe He wants me to live in His faith and move forward. Releasing my expectations of how life should be has freed me to live. Every day is new.