I want to clarify what I wrote yesterday regarding the institutional church.
Last spring, I found a podcast that described life outside the institutional church as a path in which some people were finding freedom. To me it sounded like an interesting idea. We had been in the process of “looking” for a church for about five months. (We had left the church which we had been a part of for 12 years the previous November.) As we searched we found that each one we visited was not much different from the previous week’s visitation and that left us in a quandary.
It was necessary for me to reach an end to my understandings and beliefs about church. What I had believed about “organized” church was that it was meant to function as the body of Christ. I believed that people with problems should be able to go to those in charge and find people who understand and will minister and care for the needs of that individual. When I needed it to function in that manner, I found that it did not. I found that there was an absence of care. Never mind that I was a total emotional and mental basket case. My life had been lost. What I thought was real no longer existed due to the personal issues with which I was dealing. I felt that I needed someone to help me sort through all my confusion and pain. I was a mess. I didn’t find what I was looking for at my “local church”.
I know now that it doesn’t necessarily work that way. We (my husband and I) were squeezing oranges and expecting apple juice. It didn‘t work. We asked for support from people who could not give it. We needed people who would love and care for us. I think that if we showed up on Sunday morning, we looked like we were doing okay. We’re connecting with God, right? That wasn‘t the case however. I was looking for people support… not God support. I was looking for the Body to work without understanding what that really meant.
My thinking was wrong in at least two ways. 1) I was looking for relational help from people in whom I had no relationship. The “local church” was supposed to be “The Church“ (the Body of Christ). It does not automatically work that way. 2) I was looking for help from the Church first and not from God first. I saw God as someone far away and observing only. So the people in charge at the church should know what to do to help, right? Not so. It didn’t happen that way.
Is the institutional church setup wrong? Not necessarily. Expectations should be limited, though, depending on your own “local church”. I look at the institutional church as a club. An organization that must do certain things in order to maintain its existence. In order to survive it must function like other clubs and have rules and regulations which its members need to follow. Time is limited for the pastors. How can soul care happen when so many people need help? Enough on that for now. Just realize that it is what it is and don’t expect something that it is not. I expected a certain level of care and concern. When I didn’t get it, I turned to other sources… mostly books and the internet.
That doesn’t sound very relational, but it helped more than a person would expect. Since I believed it was up to me to fix and resolve the issues at hand, I immersed myself in the problem seeking to heal and restore my marriage so that I would never have to go through this again. I was certain I would rather die than experience the pain again that had visited itself upon me. As we went forward, God stealthily maneuvered us each step of the way for which today I am very grateful.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Gratefully Disillusioned
Why is it that so many people seem to be going through the same thing that I am or have gone through this past year? Something’s happening. I just read a blog where a woman described how her many years’ journey in Christianity had taken her to a place of total nothingness. It reminded me of me.
I’ve attempted to serve God for over 30 years in many different ways and finally came to an end of it all. My serving left me empty, lost, and wanting for God. After trying to fix things for so long, I came to the realization that my abilities weren’t adequate. I had no answer. I finally gave up. Not feeling love from God or for God was the last straw. If feeling the love of God was not possible in this lifetime, then what’s the use. Where was this “abundant life” that the Bible talked about? I went on a search.
Last spring, I found a podcast that described life outside the institutional church as a path in which some people were finding freedom. To me it sounded like an interesting idea. We had been in the process of “looking” for a church for about five months. (We had left the church which we had been a part of for 12 years the previous November.) As we searched we found that each one we visited was not much different from the previous week’s visitation and that left us in a quandary. We could not return to the original church because of “oh, so many reasons” and after that experience we were left wanting for something with substance.
After dissecting the process and analyzing all the what‘s, why‘s, where’s, how’s, and who’s of my “religious” life, I came to a simple conclusion. God is different than what I thought. He is much different than what I had concocted in my mind. My religious tendencies had created a distant god who didn’t really care for me and was just kind of watching to see what happened next. He was separate from me. I wanted to believe different about Him, but up until this time I wasn’t able to put it together. I know now that He wanted a relationship with me on a minute to minute basis. He wanted me to know Him.
I believe that my “religious” life, over the course of many years, had taken my first love for God and mechanized it. As long as I was doing the acceptable things and showing the acceptable attitudes, I was doing what God wanted. My own feelings didn’t really matter. My own discontent with “church” didn’t really matter. I believed that if I put up with it God would honor my “so called” servant attitude. I believed it for a very long time. Religion taught me. It was a form of godliness with no power.
When critical issues hit my life thirty-three months ago, I felt like it was up to me to solve the problems. I was not strong spiritually. I came to believe, whether correct or not, that those around me weren’t strong either. Teaching Sunday School classes, never missing Sunday morning services, making sure my children were involved with children’s church or youth group, all these represented my ideas of what it meant to serve God. My husband was also very involved in the church we attended. He was on the board of directors, in the worship band, a teacher of classes, the "so-called" spiritual leader of our family… and he turned out to be the source of my greatest pain.
As my life collapsed around me, I was broken, devastated, lost. Expectations that I possessed caused me great anxiety when people I thought should be able to help me didn‘t. I became thoroughly disillusioned with God and His Church. Despite all this, God knew what was happening and what I needed from Him. Grateful disillusionment was on it’s way…
I’ve attempted to serve God for over 30 years in many different ways and finally came to an end of it all. My serving left me empty, lost, and wanting for God. After trying to fix things for so long, I came to the realization that my abilities weren’t adequate. I had no answer. I finally gave up. Not feeling love from God or for God was the last straw. If feeling the love of God was not possible in this lifetime, then what’s the use. Where was this “abundant life” that the Bible talked about? I went on a search.
Last spring, I found a podcast that described life outside the institutional church as a path in which some people were finding freedom. To me it sounded like an interesting idea. We had been in the process of “looking” for a church for about five months. (We had left the church which we had been a part of for 12 years the previous November.) As we searched we found that each one we visited was not much different from the previous week’s visitation and that left us in a quandary. We could not return to the original church because of “oh, so many reasons” and after that experience we were left wanting for something with substance.
After dissecting the process and analyzing all the what‘s, why‘s, where’s, how’s, and who’s of my “religious” life, I came to a simple conclusion. God is different than what I thought. He is much different than what I had concocted in my mind. My religious tendencies had created a distant god who didn’t really care for me and was just kind of watching to see what happened next. He was separate from me. I wanted to believe different about Him, but up until this time I wasn’t able to put it together. I know now that He wanted a relationship with me on a minute to minute basis. He wanted me to know Him.
I believe that my “religious” life, over the course of many years, had taken my first love for God and mechanized it. As long as I was doing the acceptable things and showing the acceptable attitudes, I was doing what God wanted. My own feelings didn’t really matter. My own discontent with “church” didn’t really matter. I believed that if I put up with it God would honor my “so called” servant attitude. I believed it for a very long time. Religion taught me. It was a form of godliness with no power.
When critical issues hit my life thirty-three months ago, I felt like it was up to me to solve the problems. I was not strong spiritually. I came to believe, whether correct or not, that those around me weren’t strong either. Teaching Sunday School classes, never missing Sunday morning services, making sure my children were involved with children’s church or youth group, all these represented my ideas of what it meant to serve God. My husband was also very involved in the church we attended. He was on the board of directors, in the worship band, a teacher of classes, the "so-called" spiritual leader of our family… and he turned out to be the source of my greatest pain.
As my life collapsed around me, I was broken, devastated, lost. Expectations that I possessed caused me great anxiety when people I thought should be able to help me didn‘t. I became thoroughly disillusioned with God and His Church. Despite all this, God knew what was happening and what I needed from Him. Grateful disillusionment was on it’s way…
Monday, December 10, 2007
Shifting Paradigms
For the past 33 months, I’ve been replacing or putting aside some foundational paradigms that have defined “my religion” for many years. Why? Because when I needed my religion to work, it didn’t. Having experienced extremely hurtful personal problems and reaching out to God with no recognizable response, I was left with an impression that God didn't care and was far off. Expecting the church people to help my husband and me through our difficult valley I was met with disappointment and a feeling of being shunned… at least that was my perception. After many months of disillusionment and finally leaving the church our family had been a part of for 12 years, I came to realize that my expectations and beliefs about God and his followers were both misappropriated and wrong. I plan to define some of these changes in future writings.
The Random House Dictionary defines “paradigm” as “the generally accepted perspective of a particular discipline at a given time”. “Shift” means “to put (something) aside and replace it by another or others; change or exchange: to shift ideas.” This is what I am doing. The process has brought great freedom to my spirit.
The Random House Dictionary defines “paradigm” as “the generally accepted perspective of a particular discipline at a given time”. “Shift” means “to put (something) aside and replace it by another or others; change or exchange: to shift ideas.” This is what I am doing. The process has brought great freedom to my spirit.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Get Busy Writing
More than 2½ years ago I started writing. At first I wrote daily. Gradually it tapered off. Tonight I had to look back 5 months to see my last entry. I always intend to write but don’t do it. So… tonight I’ve decided to blog… for a season at least. Perhaps this will be the impetus to get me writing regularly again.
Blogging is an idea I’ve tossed around for awhile. I read other people’s blogs and have benefited so much from many of them. When thinking about writing my own, I always get stuck on the same questions… What do I want to say? Who will read it? Will I be able to maintain it once people do start to read it? How personal do I get? Transparency would be one of my main methods of expression. I sense that there is much inside that needs to be expressed. The journey begins...
Blogging is an idea I’ve tossed around for awhile. I read other people’s blogs and have benefited so much from many of them. When thinking about writing my own, I always get stuck on the same questions… What do I want to say? Who will read it? Will I be able to maintain it once people do start to read it? How personal do I get? Transparency would be one of my main methods of expression. I sense that there is much inside that needs to be expressed. The journey begins...
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